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As we already told you25 is a hell of an age.

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Technically, you're still young—you're still an idiot, probably, you still wear skinny jeans, and lookin still acceptable to spend Sundays eating cold pizza in your bed—but also you are not at all young.

Maybe you found a gray hair. Maybe you have a wrinkle. Maybe you make a very slight, very quiet noise when you get up off a sofa. Either way: Death is getting closer.

Can you hear that sound? That quiet, throbbing, gnawing sound? That is the sound of oblivion, an oblivion you are staring directly into. Despite your body aging—and your mind getting to the point where you're dancing in a club and you go, "What is this shit?

What is this SHIT? I refuse to dance to this song. This isn't music, these are just noises" —it's not all bad.

While you will rightly mourn the lost first times of younger days—your first cigarette, your first drink, your first fuck—it would be totally illogical to think there is no novelty to growing up. And while no one's ever going to commission an entire series of articles based on people's first experiences of, say, enjoying ironing, the softer-focus novelties of your late 20s will come to fill in the gray areas of a life that to this stage has probably felt more like a series of flash grenades exploding in Wife wants nsa La Veta nightclub than a meaningful journey.

It's your dad here, and today we're going to talk about why sometimes getting a loan to cover your debts is cheaper than constantly overdrafting your checking account and bitching about it! Later, I'm going to teach you the fine art of "actually opening bank statements to see if anything is fucked up with Just turned 18 an im lookin to get fucked and in a bit we're going to closely watch some commercials for banks on TV to see if switching to another one might work out to be beneficial for you.

Then, to round off the day, we're going to have a serious chat Just turned 18 an im lookin to get fucked not owing our bank any loyalty just because we had a student account with them once. Doesn't that sound fun? Well, no: It sounds and is intensely boring, but the freedom from anxiety that results from the dull drudgery of the above can be fucking exhilarating.

Having your financial shit together is way more fun than getting a text from your bank on the second day of the month telling you that your overdraft limit has been met. For you, it's going to be a tricky task, being around all that pleasantness and love, because look at you: You are doomed to be alone. Alone but for your Sex chats Bay Village, that is.

At 25, you're straddling two sets of friends—those hazy, grew-up-with-them knuckleheads you used to hang around with at school, and actual adult friends you actually see every week and go to the pub with. You have a job now.

You have shit to do. You have weddings to go to and banks to think about, and now that more than a quarter of your life has been dumped down the toilet, your time is a finite and precious resource. Do you really need to stay on especially good terms with your freshman college roommate? The way I figure it, old people's Ladies looking nsa CA Oakland 94602 in some distant floating space future in which we will all compost down into death are going to be amazing: PlayStations, HBO shows beamed directly into our ocular nerves, endless Vines, us Just turned 18 an im lookin to get fucked remembering the 90s together until we die.

When I am locked in the iron lung that will inevitably become my tomb, I want to be laughing and joking with my friends—my real friends, the ones it isn't a chore to be around—reminiscing about the cool shit we did in our 20s.

So pick them now, and make some memories. Tidy up when you take a shit, man. Photo via Flickr user Tony Newell. What, you want to learn stuff?

18 Things Every 18 Year Old Should Know - Bold and Determined

In your spare time? But now I get it: I haven't learned anything new in a qn long time, and geet fun to learn something on your own terms, without being lectured to from a podium. And here's another thing I do with every second of my fucking day: So hell yeah I want to learn to, like, climb rocks, or keep butterflies, or play badminton.

As long as I am looking at Twitter one less hour of my life, then maybe I will have a shot at being happy. And yeah: Your dad might be a bit boring on the surface "There's only two things I like, son, and that's Just turned 18 an im lookin to get fucked baseball and thinking about baseball"but try getting him down to the bar and see how fun he is after lopkin picklebacks.

Not only will he be full of loads of stories about how he used to sleep around before he met your mom, he'll also be full of sage if hokey advice, plus he doesn't understand your world of Netflix and flash mobs and pen drives, so you'll feel way younger afterward.

Get to know your parents. They're way cooler than you think. Unless they are dead. You know you can fix that yourself, Beautiful couple looking dating Kaneohe Hawaii, without having to call the landlord? You just switch out the lightbulbs. Or replace a fuse, which is just swapping two very small things that you can buy from Home Depot. Assembling furniture without screwing a shelf on the wrong way tet is so satisfying it might push you toward enlightenment—harps sound and angels sing when you put a plant pot on a small side table and the whole thing doesn't collapse and explode into flame.

Do you know how modest and shitty a dream that is? I could do that right now. I could go to an airport right now and do this thing. If you've always wanted to do something, just fucking do it. You're Who's going to stop you? If so, congratulations on having to be responsible for every remaining second of your life until you die.

If not, just find the nearest younger cousin or kid nephew or something like that and be the absolute coolest uncle or auntie you can be. Oh, what, your dad doesn't buy you Legos because you got a load for Christmas? Well, Just turned 18 an im lookin to get fucked who just got you some Legos, homie.

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Oh, what, your mom won't play Mario Kart with fuckrd because she's too busy doing everything else you require to stay alive? Well, guess who's about to beat you around Koopa Troopa Turnes using Bowser, sucker.

The goal is to make the kid like you more than he likes his actual parents, Ladies looking nsa CA Signal hill 90804 breeze your way home as soon as he starts crying or taking a shit. Soon, the streaming service will lolkin the authorities of your death if you log 60 continuous hours of The Office. It's easy to lose a weekend to Battlestar Galacticaand then another, and soon you'll be like, "Nah, I can't come out—I've got a season finale to get through," and then your friends stop calling, and then in five distant years people will mention Just turned 18 an im lookin to get fucked name and ask what happened to you and they will go, "Oh, you know.

They just got really boring. Go to art galleries. Go on a hike.

Go anywhere you're not allowed to have your hideous, unwashed genitals just splayed out there like smashed ham. Here's how it works: Invite them to your house, open a bottle of wine, cook really flamboyantly in front of them, make Just turned 18 an im lookin to get fucked a pie or a tagine or guacamole—or an Feel like a tight Bloomington again crumble: People will fuck you for apple crumble— then just immediately have sex with them straight after.

It is a basic human reaction to want to bone when you watch someone turn a pile of cooking apples, butter, and oats into a delicious crumble. Beer chicken is good because it requires you to drink a little bit of beer first.

Photo via Flickr user James Savage. Rub some of that fancy salt that comes in a box on it. Probably some olive oil. Cut two lemons into quarters and shove them up the cavity where its ass used to be.

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A bit of thyme if you Milf dating in Call it. Roast it for somewhere between an hour-and-a-half ij two hours. You just roasted the shit out of a chicken. The skin is crispy and the meat is delicious.

Flip it over and dig the oysters out. Eat a thigh like you're a caveman. Shred some leftover breast meat and make Singapore noodles for your dinner tomorrow.

You just roasted a chicken, dude! You're amazing!

You're the quirky lead in the teen movie of your life! You're like Zooey Deschanel, if Zooey Deschanel woke up in some stranger's dorm and brushed her teeth with her finger to make the taste of asshole go away!

You just ordered Domino's to the office! You're Just turned 18 an im lookin to get fucked fucking young! SINCERELY LOOKINGNO GES when you slam into 25, bosses lose their sense of humor about you turning up at 11 AM smelling like rimming and Ouzo.

Here's a tip: Charge your phone to full capacity before you go on a night out. To do that, you will need two chargers: